Today was the day I finally escaped. I received a new job that gave me the ability to put in my 2 weeks at my previous job. The previous job that was my personal hell. Over the last few months I have seen my mental health and workmanship decline. But after all this misery I can’t help but wonder am I escaping or just running away?
When I was first promoted to my former position, I thought that this would be my starting point. That I had finally made it to a better place where I can enjoy my job. I soon found out that I had been promoted way to early and with zero training and no support I was quickly in over my head. I found that I had to work twice as hard just to things done as every step of the way I had no idea what I had to do. I constantly had to chase people down to help me and often found that everyone else around me were either too over worked or just didn’t care enough to see my struggle. This lead me down a dark road of very poor mental health that was affecting not only me, but people around me. After some very emotional breakdowns I became apathetic and distant. I did not want to do anything, see anyone and most importantly I did not want to do my stressful job. So I didn’t. When things came up I ignored them. When issues arouse I did simple, often band-aid fixes so that I did not have to do the work. Even writing simple emails exhausted me so I just didn’t do them. I saw myself become the person that I professionally hated the most. I became lazy.
I have always prided myself on my ability to take initiative and get the job done. I enjoyed completing tasks on time and being able to do everything on my own. But when all the tasks that I had been ignoring started to pile up and continued to pile up until the thought of working through it was overwhelming as I just didn’t know where to begin. So I took the easy road out. I looked into getting new a new job. In the interview they asked me how my co-workers would describe me and I answered “hardworking, passionate and positive”. Now that may have been true 5 months ago, but can I really call myself all those things when I haven’t been?
The real question is, who is to blame? Is it my fault for not reaching out for support when I clearly needed it? Or was it my superiors who dropped me in the middle of the ocean with nothing but a “you’ll do great” before turning around and leaving me stranded? I would like to say the latter but I know deep down that I am using that as an excuse. An excuse to not only wipe the slate clean, but to dump the slate straight onto my predecessor’s lap.
So now as I write my resignation letter, the only thing I can do is to ensure that I don’t let this happen to me again. To promise that I will never allow myself to work for a company that underpays and underappreciates their employees. To reach out for support when I need it and to never allow myself to be put into a position that would compromise my integrity. To be better. And that is how I escaped.